


The Most Impossible In-Laws in the Nine Realms

by hotchoco195



Series: Green-Eyed Monsters [4]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Darcy always knows what's going on, DysFUNctional families, F/M, Kid Fic, Loki and Tony are impossible, Wedding fever, tasertricks - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-21
Updated: 2013-03-21
Packaged: 2017-12-06 00:37:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/729667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hotchoco195/pseuds/hotchoco195
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For his birthday, Cort gives his parents a surprise. Then they give him multiple stress headaches.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Most Impossible In-Laws in the Nine Realms

 

Loki paced. “They’re late.”

Darcy glanced at her watch. “By like, two minutes. Calm down. They’ll be here.”

“You’d think magic would make people more punctual.” Tony leaned back in his chair.

“Like you’re one to talk.” Pepper snorted.

“Hey, I'm always where I’m meant to be.”

Darcy looked around the table to distract herself from her husband’s constant pacing. They were in Tony’s private dining room, the long table a glossy black under the light. Loki’s seat next to her was empty, but Elizabeth Stark sat on her other side in an elegant mass of long, slender limbs and dark blonde hair. Next to Elizabeth were Cort and Danhy, the blue-skinned brunette looking almost nervous while his giant brother towered over them all in his specially reinforced chair. Bruce sat at the end of the table looking as ruffled as ever in a shirt and tie. Tony and Pepper were on Loki’s other side, which only left the empty seats for Kelda and her latest boy – who, despite Darcy’s reassurances, were late. She eyed Loki warily and leaned over.

“Cort, is there something you can do for him? I don’t know, a spell to calm him down?”

“I can try, but he won’t like it.”

“At this point? I don’t care.”

The boy sighed and ran his fingers through his curly brown hair. “Alright, but only so we can all have a nice, relaxing time.”

 

He raised his fingers covertly behind his arm but luckily the spell became unnecessary as Kelda and a tall black-haired man popped into the dining room.

“Hi guys! Sorry we’re late, sorry!”

She quickly ran around the table, kissing everyone’s cheek. When she got to Cort and Danhy she wrapped them in a huge hug.

“Happy birthday guys!”

“Thanks,” Cort blushed, “You look different.”

She shrugged and tugged at her very curly hair. “Jungle humidity. This is Rick.”

Cort shook hands with the nervous-looking man beside her. “We’ve heard a lot about you.”

“Good things?” the doctor laughed.

“Very good.”

“Kel, what time do you call this?” Loki frowned.

She just laughed and hugged him. “Sorry Dad. Got caught up.”

They took their seats and started helping themselves to the first course.

“So Dad, you got another embarrassing speech this year?” Danhy smirked.

“Of course not. I never want to humiliate you.” Loki smiled sweetly – too sweetly.

“I’m giving the speech this year.” Cort said.

Once upon a time, the look on her son’s face would have made Darcy highly suspicious. It was his classic I’ve-got-a-secret-you-won’t-like grimace. But he was an adult now, and she was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

“Then I know it will be very flattering for you and less so for me.” Danhy chuckled.

“I wouldn’t dream of embarrassing you, brother.” Cort grinned and it was so eerily similar to Loki that Bruce shuddered a little.

*****

“It’s time, little bro.” Danhy muttered as their mains were cleared away by the catering staff.

Cort cleared his throat, cheeks purple, and wiped his hands on his pants before standing. “So I wanted to thank everyone for coming tonight. Especially Danhy, who came the furthest.”

“Next birthday’s on Jotunheim.” Danhy joked.

“You heard it people – next year we’re rugging up,” Cort grinned, “But seriously, thanks for coming. Thanks Mum and Dad for making a big deal, even if the stress does make Dad a little crazier than usual. Thanks Uncle Tony for hosting.”

“No problem – I’ll send you a bill.” Stark smirked.

“And now I have something to say. It’s something I’ve wanted to say for a little while but things have been crazy with everyone spread out across the nine realms, and now I’ve got most of you here I can finally say it. Beth?”

Everyone turned to look, confused as Elizabeth stood beside Cort. Darcy felt a massive suspicion rising. Without meaning to she squeezed Loki’s hand until he squeaked.

“I’ve known Beth since she was born. She’s the best friend I’ve ever had, and about a month ago she kindly agreed to marry me. We’re engaged!”

The room erupted in a burst of noise and light as Kelda released a bunch of flashy sparks that exploded over the table like fireworks and Danhy clapped his giant hands together loud enough to deafen a small child. But the Starks and the Laufeysons were, possibly for the first time ever, speechless. Loki made a small noise that might have been a whimper.

“You guys never said anything!” Bruce punched Tony’s arm affectionately.

“We didn’t know.” Pepper replied, a half-smile frozen on her face, “Oh you guys, this is great!”

She got up to hug them as Tony jumped up and practically ran around the room. “My little girl’s getting married! I’m gonna write it on the side of Stark Tower in giant neon! I’m thinking big - engagement here, Malibu wedding-”

“Dad!” Beth held up her hand, “We literally just told you. Take a breath.”

Cort frowned at his still silent parents. “Um...is this okay?”

Loki quickly wiped the stunned look off his face. “I just…never expected this. But I’m thrilled!”

“We weren’t keeping it a secret or anything, there was just never a good time to tell you. I’m so glad it’s finally done!” Beth laughed, clutching Cort’s hand.

Darcy stood and hugged her. “You sneaky kids! Seriously though, this is awesome.”

 

“This is like a nightmare!” Loki laughed hysterically as they got ready for bed, “Tony Stark is going to be part of the family!”

“He sort of already is. And we get Pepper too, don’t forget, and Elizabeth is lovely.” Darcy finished brushing her hair and climbed under the covers.

Loki sobered up a bit. “There’s an age difference.”

“You’re one to talk. I don’t think five years is anywhere near as bad as a couple thousand.” She poked her tongue out at him.

His lip curled into a reluctant smile. “I suppose.”

“Did you see Cort? I don’t think I’ve seen him that happy since he learnt to rebuild engines. You have to admit, they actually are perfect for each other.”

 “You make it sound so easy.” Loki flopped onto the mattress, shoving his head into her lap.

“With us, easy is impossible. I’m just hoping for discreet and not too many mishaps.”

*****

When they got to the restaurant Loki and Darcy found Pepper patiently stirring her coffee and Tony’s foot tapping like crazy as he flicked between screens on his phone.

“Ooh! In-laws!” He shot up, tech forgotten as he hurried to hug them both, “We’ve got so much to talk about.”

Loki grumbled internally but sat. “Yes, I suppose we do.”

"I still can't get over it," Darcy shook her head, "What a pair of sneaks. He gets it from his father."

Pepper smiled. "We're over the moon. Almost literally in Tony's case - I made him put on the suit and jet off for a few hours until he’d calmed down, and he got pretty far up before turning back."

The billionaire rolled his eyes. "I could have made it."

"Doubtful."

He waved a dismissive hand. “Can we get back to planning this engagement party? I’m thinking we rent Central Park, build like a huge crystal palace – very Victoria and Albert, you know – and stuff it with flowers courtesy of Kel down in the rainforest-”

“Have you asked the kids what they want?” Darcy raised a brow.

“Who said this was about them? I only get to give my daughter away once, and I’m gonna do it in true Stark style,” the billionaire flashed a huge grin, “Besides it’s one thing to have friends who are gods and princes of another realm. It’s another to have Odin for my son-in-law’s grandfather. I gotta step it up a notch.”

“And why shouldn’t we have the wedding on Asgard?” Loki asked, “Cort is a prince. It is his right.”

“Even better! No paparazzi, no uninvited guests.”

The trickster god looked taken aback. “Yes. Well, it will be good to do it the traditional way.”

Darcy snorted. “Because everything about us is so traditional.”

She waved a hand at the numerous people staring over their sandwiches at the glamorous foursome.

Tony just raised a brow. “It would be nice to have Granddaddy's blessing to, what with the royal dynasty stuff.”

“Fair enough," Loki made a face, "You were saying?”

“Right! Engagement!”

He started rattling off dates and venues, and Pepper leaned over until she could whisper in Darcy’s ear.

“Don’t worry – I’ll try to book something tasteful.”

“Thanks. I saw his last birthday, and the red and gold theme was a little OTT.”

*****

Beth took a deep breath. “We can do this.”

“Yes we can, cos you’re amazing and I’m part god and we can do anything.” Cort kissed her head.

They walked into Darcy and Loki’s lounge room with big, slightly shaky smiles.

“Hi guys! Come sit. Pep and I were just going over the seating plan again.” Darcy waved.

“Great.” Beth grimaced wearily.

“I thought that was something you did for the reception, not the engagement party.” Cort frowned.

“Oh no honey, everyone has much stricter rules about where they can sit at the wedding. Frigga’s looking after that.”

“How many people are coming to this thing?” Cort gaped at the A2 sheet of paper covered in circles and name tags.

“About five hundred, maybe six.” Pepper shrugged.

“Why so many?” Beth said lightly, watching her mother with barely contained panic.

“Well we can’t take everyone to Asgard, so it’s sort of a chance for all your Earth friends to be there. And your father invited all Cort’s colleagues from Stark Industries and the other teachers at your college and all the extended family acquaintances and well, it just sort of happened!”

Loki and Tony emerged from the kitchen with glasses and a bottle of wine.

“No, you’re not listening to it properly. Elizabeth _Lokison_? It’s ridiculous. She’s not your son!”

“But Cort is, and your Midgardian customs demand she take his name.”

“If you wanna go by Midgardian standards, Cort should take hers. Stark has a lot of weight to it in pretty much every circle.”

“And bearing the name of a god does not?”

“Uh, not one that tried to destroy New York, nope. Why are you so interested in slapping your name on my daughter anyway?”

“Why are you so interested in slapping yours on my son?” Loki bristled.

Cort quickly crossed to intercept them. “Whoa, whoa, guys! You’re arguing about our names?”

“Stark will not accept my kind attempt to meet his cultural expectations.” Loki pouted.

“I’m just trying to keep things less complicated! I mean, what happens in your crazy system when they have kids?”

“Kids?” Cort squeaked.

“They would be Cortson or Cortdóttir, obviously.”

“That makes no sense! Earth bureaucracy demands a certain level of continuity.”

“Since when do you care about the rules, Stark?”

“Since Cortdóttir is a horrible name! And speaking of grandkids, are they going to be blue?”

"Dad!" Elizabeth gaped.

Loki inhaled sharply, drawing himself up. “Is that a problem?”

Tony shrugged. “More a curiosity.”

“Enough!” Cort stepped between them, “We’re here for a casual organising dinner to throw some _ideas_ around. Nothing concrete. There’s plenty of time to settle this.”

The two men seemed unhappy about it, but they both kept their mouths shut as Loki poured wine for everybody and Tony joined Pepper on the couch. Cort sat with his fiancée and let out a great sigh.

“We’ve only been here ten minutes and I already want to strangle Dad.” Beth hissed.

“How’s the circus going?” he nodded to the seating chart Pepper and Darcy were scrutinising like a pair of generals.

“Should be fun. We’ll get to meet lots of new people.” Beth chuckled under her breath.

“Were we insane to tell them?”

“Maybe. Probably.”

“Good, I just wanted to make sure.”

 

“And then of course we’ll have to release a statement to the media that she’s to be known as Princess Elizabeth after the wedding.”

“Princess? Dad, come on-”

“Shush Bethy, I’ve been calling you one all my life and now it’s finally true I wanna hear everyone say it.”

“No Beth, your father is right. Protocol demands they show you the proper respect.” Loki nodded.

“So Nat and Clint have volunteered SHIELD to work security at the hotel.” Pepper said between sips.

“Do we need that? We can sort of look after ourselves.” Cort twiddled fingers tinged with blue.

“With the Avengers and a bunch of Asgardian royalty in attendance, yeah we do – even if it’s just to keep out gatecrashers. I’m so glad the wedding’s well out of trespassing territory.”

Cort threw his mother a pleading look, hoping she at least hadn’t lost her mind, but she just smiled back with mock innocence.

“I’m so excited for you.”

“Thanks Mum.”

*****

Cort lay in bed, holding the covers to his chest like he never wanted to leave them. “What’s on your agenda today?”

Beth huffed. “I get to spend all day with Mum and Darcy dress shopping. I don’t even see the point – your dad can whip me up something nicer than any dress I’m gonna get in a store in like, two seconds.”

“I told Uncle Tony I was in the middle of some really important developments at the factory, and he said to blow it off and come see the band he’s going to hire. Tony Stark! Passing up science for entertain– you know, when you put it like that it doesn’t sound so out of character.”

The couple lay there, both staring up at the pale, unhelpful ceiling.

“Why are we doing this? Why are we letting them have their big show-off party?” Beth pinched her nose.

“Because we agreed to a wedding on Asgard. Though remind me again – why did we say we’d get married a whole dimension away from everyone we know?”

“Because it’s the traditional thing, you know? And it’s a really big honour for me.”

“Why do Mum and Dad care about tradition? They got married in a ballroom with like a hundred people.”

The longer they stayed there, unwilling to move, the more an idea started to grow in Cort’s mind – the part that spent the better part of a decade making mischief with Danhy before they grew up a bit.

“I might have a thought.”

“You _might_ have a thought?”

“Maybe. It’s a big thought. It would make some people pretty mad.”

“Hmmm...”

“But we’d be much happier.”

“Then whatever it is, I’m all for it.”

 

Kelda looked up from the channel she was digging when Cort’s face appeared in midair.

“Hey little bro,” she clapped her hands, the blue spell light dropping away, “What’s up?”

“Wedding stuff, as usual. Can you do me a really big favour and promise not to tell anyone about it?”

Kelda’s eyes narrowed. “What do you need?”

*****

“Cort Lokison! It is a long time since we’ve seen you in our halls, I think.” Gaea smiled.

“Too long, Allmother.” Cort bowed, tugging Beth with him.

“And Elizabeth Stark. It is good to finally see you in person.” Idunn stood and offered her hands.

“Uh, thank you, Your…Eminence?”

“What can we do for you?” the redhead clasped her hands over her middle cheerfully.

“As if you don’t already know,” Freya rolled her eyes, “Come on, Starkdóttir. We’ll find something that fits you.”

 

Kelda and Danhy popped into Vanheim at the same time, nearly colliding.

“Gods, Danhy! Watch it!”

“Sorry. I’m used to people who aren’t so easily squashed.”

Kelda snorted at the loincloth that was his only clothing. “You came in that?”

“I haven’t changed yet, _idiot_.”

He waved a hand and was wearing an over-sized set of Asgardian robes that matched Kelda’s in colour, the blue and silver similar to the ethereal palace before them.

“Alright. Let’s hurry it up. They can’t start without their witnesses.”

 

Cort shuffled nervously beside the Allmother. Danhy stood behind him, stooping slightly under the chapel ceiling.

“Sure you don’t want to invite the parents? Dad could pop everyone here in a heartbeat.”

“I’m very sure.”

“You know how much shit you’re gonna cop for this, right?”

Kelda appeared in the doorway, quickly walking the aisle with her palace-taught grace. Elizabeth stood opposite Cort in a flowing white dress, gold and silver embroideries thick around her stomach and fading out to a slight gleam on her hem. Jewels glistened in her hair, the curls twisted around diamonds as big as eggs. She smiled at him nervously and Cort’s heart just about stopped.

“Honestly Dan? I couldn’t care less.”

*****

_“Honey, have you seen Cort today?”_

Loki frowned and adjusted the phone under his shoulder. “No. Was I meant to?”

_“Pepper and I have been waiting at Vera Wang for an hour and Elizabeth’s not answering her phone. I thought Cort might know where she is.”_

“Beth’s probably just caught in traffic. Have you tried Tony? I think he said they were going over the music today.”

Kelda popped into the apartment lounge room in a set of long blue and silver robes.

“Darcy? I might have to call you back.”

_“What? Why?”_

He hung up. “Kel, what is it?”

“Aw thanks Dad, no ‘you look nice’?”

“Kelda...”

“Fine, okay? I have something to tell you. Cort and Beth kinda sorta maybe just got married.”

“What!” the green-eyed god blazed, jumping off the couch.

“Hear me out before you go all wrathy! You guys were going really crazy with the wedding and it wasn’t what they wanted, so they decided to do their own thing.”

“And not invite us? After we’ve put in so much effort-”

“Can you really blame them Dad?” she wrinkled her nose, “Take a second and actually _think_ about how it’s been these last few months.”

“I don’t see your point.” He sniffed.

“Yes you do. Anyways, they’re not coming back until everyone’s cooled off but they’re still gonna do the big party thing for you guys, and honestly I think that’s pretty decent of them. I’m sure as hell not letting you anywhere near my wedding if I ever have one.”

Loki wanted to pout, but he slowly realised he’d just missed the chance to watch his own son get married because he was too busy fighting with Tony about centrepieces. “Darcy always said I was stubborn.”

“You okay? Cos I gotta go tell the others.”

“I will save you a trip and take care of your mother and Aunt Pepper myself if you like.”

She looked dubious but nodded, popping out of sight.

Loki pulled out his phone. “Darling?”

_“What’s going on Lokes?”_

“Cort and Beth eloped.”

_“Oh thank God. I was starting to think we’d actually have to do the big palace wedding. Holding that crown up is murder on my neck.”_

“You knew this was going to happen?”

_‘Uh, yeah – why do you think I was encouraging Tony to hire elephants?”_

**Author's Note:**

> Again, I apologise for the future gen fic. The idea of Loki and Tony eternally bound together for holidays and family dinner made me giggle.


End file.
